“We’re going to be late” I intoned to Virgil as he fondled one of the cherry blossoms while lollygagging at the Tidal Basin in Washington, DC.
“Don’t you understand? We’re going to see masters of folk metal this evening in Baltimore! It is essential we attune ourselves to nature before we expose ourselves to that kind of ancient magic lest we be turned into newts or worse things.”
“The Baltimore-Washington Parkway takes no prisoners and it’s rush hour,” I retorted.
The doors at the Baltimore Soundstage were set to open for Korpiklaani and Ensiferum at 5:30pm, and I was eager to depart. Virgil whispered sweet nothings at one of the resplendent specimens of Sakura and then hastily retreated to the car. We were finally on the road after 4pm.
After what seemed like an eternity, we finally arrived at the venue shortly after 6pm. “We have to head to the Kabul Grill across the street, we need some Shawarma to complete the attunement ritual” Virgil insisted. Road war is an arduous affair and I was sorely tempted by the pleasures of the pallet, so I relented and we broke bread.
Having finished our Shawarma, satisfying Virgil’s arbitrary nature attunement ritual, and passing through security, we arrived inside the venue just in time to catch the very end of the opener, Nini, closing out their set to a cover of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”
The Frontwoman wielded a mysterious Ruan and bestowed many thanks to Baltimore. I spat invective at Virgil for making us late and bellowed apologies at NiNi for missing most of their set.
Then Trollfest stormed the stage — a flock of trolls in pink flamingo suits. These mythical beings of folklore commanded the crowd with infectious energy, casting spells with dual guitars, requisite bass, a saxophone, an accordion, and a timbale to complement the drum kit. They orchestrated a bizarre, seated-jumping ritual between stage left and right, culminating in the entire crowd jumping together. As they played the crowd favorite “Dance Like a Pink Flamingo,” they transmogrified before our eyes into a flamboyance of wading birds.
Watch Trollfest perform “Dance Like a Pink Flamingo” live on YouTube:
The trolls nee flamingos then sent their bassist into the crowd to lead an attempt at forming the longest metal-show conga line in history. Virgil leapt at the opportunity to be a part of metal history and grabbed the bassist’s shoulders just before a swarm of the faithful formed the line. A representative from Guinness was present with a set of measuring chains, vainly attempting to assess the length of the line as it snaked its way through the venue. Much to Trollfest’s chagrin, we were only half of a gunter’s chain short of the record.
To close out their set, Trollfest began their final spell, “Helvetes Hunden GARM.” As they performed their ritual, they commanded the audience to “woof” in time with the chorus and rapidly the audience began to transform into barking dogs, obedient to their Flamingo Overlords. They wrapped up and thanked the hounds for participating, remarking that you could be changed back into a human after purchasing a t-shirt at the merch table. Virgil, now a sable Rough Collie, primped and posed for pictures with fawning fans tripping over themselves to pet the fluffy boy before heading back to buy his t-shirt.
Once the crowd had been returned to their original state, Ensiferum triumphantly marched onstage as mythical metal warriors, delivering their brand of folksy, blackened thrash with intensity. A more “traditional” folk metal quintet of dual guitars, bass, keyboard, and drums, with vocal duties rotating among the members. The keyboardist stepped up with impressive falsetto work to compliment the guitarists lead vocals, along with sing-along gang vocals from the rest of the band.
The audience erupted into frenzied crowd surfing — one fan’s shirt spontaneously combusted mid-flight. The band demanded and received their mosh pit tributes. As Ensiferum’s battle ritual unfolded, Valkyries wielding six-string basses, Viking ghost maidens, were waiting to receive each willing tribute and escort them across the rainbow bridge to Valhalla while the band played “Rum, Women, Victory.”
Their encore “In My Sword I Trust” morphed unexpectedly into a thrash-punk jam with a funky bass groove. Epic, heavy, otherworldly. As the band finished their set, they thanked the crowd and waved goodbye as they walked across the rainbow bridge.
Watch the official music video for “In My Sword I Trust” by Ensiferum on YouTube:
At last, Korpiklaani took the stage. They weave enchantments through interpretive dance and ancient drumming rituals. A sextet featuring dual guitars, bass, keys/accordion, a violin, and drums, these mystical shamans and tricksters sing mainly in the language of Suomi, but through their bardic magic they transcend linguistic barriers.
Korpiklaani augur and enthrall, conjuring a portal to Lapland through ancient Sami rituals that the willing crowd eagerly plunges into. A banana-costumed hero triumphantly rides the wave into the hole. Virgil asserts that rejecting their magic would bring banishment from this realm. Some unfortunate malcontents at the front, stage-right, drunkards making life difficult for those around them, made this mistake and were dragged to the Finnish hell by Tuoni.
As Korpiklaani begin playing fan favorite “Happy Little Boozer,” little Haltijas begin making their rounds throughout the audience, hawking Korpiklaani-branded bottles of digestif as if this was a sporting event. Virgil and I each had a tiny bottle — it was a remarkable blend of 56 herbs and spices.
Watch the official music video for “Happy Little Boozer” by Korpiklaani on YouTube:
In an unexpected twist, a reggae-infused jam altered the trajectory of the portal and suddenly everyone is being sent straight to a beach party. Covering Motörhead’s “Iron Fist,” they escalate towards a frenzied climax. The drummer, a southpaw virtuoso, asserted total dominance with a wonderful drum solo and began to stand upright behind his kit. Closing out their soothsaying with hits like Viima and Metsämies, Korpiklaani wrapped up just after 11pm.
Virgil, still weary from his transformation and quick trip to the Azores-and-back, lamented that his attunement ritual was powerless to protect him from the folk metal we experienced tonight. “I suppose in the face of such powerful magic it was inevitable. I’m just happy to have survived to tell the tale.”
Here are some photos of Korpiklaani performing at Baltimore Soundstage on March 28, 2025. All pictures copyright and courtesy of David LaMason.
Here are some photos of Ensiferum performing at Baltimore Soundstage on March 28, 2025. All pictures copyright and courtesy of David LaMason.
Here are some photos of Trollfest performing at Baltimore Soundstage on March 28, 2025. All pictures copyright and courtesy of David LaMason.
Here are some photos of NiNi performing at Baltimore Soundstage on March 28, 2025. All pictures copyright and courtesy of David LaMason.
